A Brewmeister's Review: Melbourne Bitter

For your enjoyment, another post written by my Daddy, the Brewmeister:


The Brewmeister is devastated. An idol died, a whole nation of idols, an entire continent of idols died. They had the reputation of being the largest per capita of beer drinkers in the entire world. Says the raven, nevermore.

I was sitting in my lower level thoroughly enjoying a cold mug of Bill’s Cheapass Ale when my daughter came in with a six pack of brew. The label said “Product of Australia”, not licensed in Canada or worse yet made in Wisconsin but made in Australia. This impressed me! I read on. It said “Melbourne Bitter”. The Brewmeister was impressed and honored with a six pack of real beer from the beer consumption capital of the entire world.

I read on; the label said 375 ml. I cannot respect a beer that uses metric measure, it is anti-American liberalism. Real American beer drinkers drink ounces, pints, and quarts. I continued to read; it said 4.6%. Very weak by Brewmeister standards but the Brewmeister respects the fact that about half of the Australian beer drinkers are women. Perhaps if the alcohol content were more realistic the Australian birth rate would be much higher.

Enough about the can and the label, the real proof of a beer comes after it is poured in the mug and tasted. I poured a can of Melbourne Bitter into my favorite mug; it looked like a beautiful Pale Ale or a light Pilsner. It was beautiful. I tasted it; the romance was over. I wanted to spew it out but my daughter would have been embarrassed. I choked it down; It was worse than any supermarket swill I ever tasted, even worse than the Korean brew we drank in the army when we were almost broke.

My heart goes out to the beer drinking people of Australia. They have a colossal advanced case of Richard’s syndrome, their taste buds have atrophied to the point of being nonexistent. Low alcohol swill is their way of life. I have seen pictures of bikini bottom clad Australian women on the beach. Beautiful but they lacked beer bellies and stretch marks. A respectable brew in pint bottles would cure these problems.

Years ago the Foster’s brewing company brewed a beer fit for human consumption called Fosters. Then they gave up their self respect and franchised it to Canada and in the finally degradation franchised it to Wisconsin. Apparently they started drinking their own swill causing their decline into Richard’s syndrome and socialism. Melbourne Bitter should never be drunk by conservative Christian capitalistic persons. Possibly it can be used as a poison to kill Cane Toads.

Can Australians be educated to home brew their own beer? They are in dire need of many, many Mr Beer home brew kits. Everything needed is available on the internet. A few pints of real beer and you won’t have to worry about your boomerang not coming back. She will never leave except to fetch you another pint!!

Facebook Facts Meme

Uncle Richard decided to tag me for a meme thing on facebook. Since I am a blogger I decided to do it here and not there, I only use facebook to harass people.

25 Random Things About Me:

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note containing 25 random facts about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. Until I left for grad school and with the exception of two work injuries at the deli I always went to the same clinic/hospital that I was born in.

2. Doc has spoiled me by being competent and putting up with my silliness so I'll probably die if I go back. Seriously they are messing up my middle sister, her doc never heard of fricking MS (she may or may not have MS, we don't know because he is too stupid to test her).

3. I love my plants. They have their own room in my apartment, they share it with my computer/home office.

4. When I was an infant I shared my nursery with Daddy's computer until we moved into our house not long before middle sis was born.

5. The number 5 is my favorite number, I am all into multiples of 5, LiteralDan shares this obsession.

6. I collect GIANTmicrobes, I'm such a nerd!

7. If they made my research organism I would be so happy!

8. I am seriously considering using GIANTmicrobes to decorate any future offspring's nursery, if I have girls then syphilis and kissing disease, a boy perhaps cold and the clap...

9. I would rather have girls than boys if I procreate, which means I will definitely end up with boys with only the weird family thing to protect me from that fate. My Dad has three girls and has a granddaughter, his sister (who really wanted a girl) has three boys and a grandson.

10. I have a friend who only wants boys, I told her we should plan ahead so we can trade!

11. While Richard was top speller in the 3rd grade I peaked in 2nd by winning my class's bee, I blew the first word in the big bee (thru not through, lol).

12. I wanted to write a microbiology version of the 12 days of Christmas but got too busy and sick to actually do it, maybe I'll get it written for this Christmas!

13. Researching the Dreidel Song for my newest song made me fall in love with it and I think given how Christmas seems to be trying to kill me I might want to consider celebrating Hanuka instead, of course that holiday would have 8 days instead of just 2 to get the job done should it decide to kill me too...

14. I hope Ian records my new song soon...

15. Like Richard I can't dance, we are just too pigmentally challenged my dearest adopted uncle! It was hilarious when Niecey was learning to dance, you could tell who she was copying in the beginning, the slightest bob thing was my signature dance, with my bad knee and her poor coordination at the time it was the best move for both of us. Her style has evolved a lot since then but I think you can see some of her early influences, you be the judge (the tongue out arms outstretched is a new move she invented, the zombie!):

16. When I had my appendix out I "raced" the other appendectomy kid and totally smoked him, of course I was a few years older and had the laproscopic and I think his burst and they had to cut him all the way open. Either way I gave him a head start and I dragged my own IV and held my own guts in, he had two nurses!

17. I rode a mechanical bull when I was 16 (give or take), it messed up my wrist and I suspect is part of why I messed it up so bad here. The only good part I can think of is that I was in a volunteering group and we went to the mayor of my hometown's wake and I made his widow laugh when I answered her question as to what I did to my wrist (it was splinted) with my standard, "I got into a fight with a mechanical bull, it won." It is one of the prouder moments of my life, it felt good to be able to give that poor woman something to laugh about in such a horrible time.

18. I wish I knew where my appendectomy video went, I'm afraid my mother recorded over it, it was pretty cool and I brought it to school to show my biology class.

19. I am going to ask for a vid of my stomach scope, if I think it is cool enough you will all get to see it too.

20. This is my least favorite kind of meme, I suck at thinking of stuff off the top of my head, I need inspiration to work my quirky magic!

21. I am giddy over the impeachment/impeachment trial of my former governor, my office mate told me I was enjoying reading the paper too much the other day since I kept cracking up while reading about it. Seriously how can you not when you read about how he is trying to cast himself as the victim and boycotting his own trial. He is a lovely dramatized version of Chicago politics, never trust a Chicago politician, the corruption jokes aren't actually jokes, the politicians are!

22. The thought of Blago making Oprah the replacement senator amused me greatly, I think I would have considered watching whatever channel broadcasts the senate stuff just to see if she treated it like her show, hehehe. Hell I'd consider voting for her just to see that, especially if the republican candidate sucked (probably would, it is IL and they all do in both parties)!

23. Adam Sandler has a special place in my heart, my mother really needs to start paying attention to if he is in movies she takes us to see. My prude and somewhat religious mother. Did any of you see Little Nicky? She made me see it because she somehow got free tickets and didn't want to waste them by not going even though I had a paper due the next day... Only reason she didn't walk out is because of the huge fit she threw to make us go, she was extremely offended by that movie and I enjoyed it greatly knowing that! His Zohan movie offended her too just not as much, hehehe.

24. I think I harass my doctor too much but probably don't see him as much as I should. I have trouble figuring out if whatever is bad enough to warrant a visit and since I am sickest at night and usually feel a lot better in the morning I usually put off calling for weeks. If he talked to me at 2am many nights in the past he'd have been able to convince me to have just about any test/referral he wanted. Figuring out this stuff was always Mom's job, I am so not into this grown up crap!

25. I always procrastinate going to bed, even when I am exhausted and it doesn't make much sense because I love being in bed!

Tags: Cheryl and Nonna, because you both bitched that I didn't tag you before when I made a point of not tagging anyone, congrats you've been tagged! Anyone who is bored and wants to use this has my blessing.

My New Pet

Warning, you may need one of these if you read this post (at least I have been cracking myself up all day over it):

It is a pretty well established fact that people crave companionship, we are an at least somewhat social species. So what is a workaholic hermit graduate student living in the frozen tundra to do? Obviously the more traditional pets are out, especially since my apartment is not pet friendly and I'd have to move to one that is (think the only ones that are pet friendly are the ones that have the stupid layout and no carpet and no dryer hookup and no basement, ick), and I think the fee is $350. That and I don't like the idea of a pet that sheds, licks, jumps, makes noise, and could excrete waste on my floors. I also do not like the idea of scooping poop out of the yard or a bin. I have fish, tired of dealing with them though, way too much work for a busy/lazy person with bad joints and a knack for flooding the place when trying to clean the stupid tanks.

I have plants and adore them, but most (BFF Pasha) do not consider them pets and I will likely devote a post to them in the future so they'll get a mention but not be listed as pets. I do have the occasional transient "roommate", they are a great source of amusement for me, but usually do not stay too long. This one is a permanent resident, though I brought her in from outdoors in the state she is currently in (I think it is a she based on the abdomen) to show my mom when she came to visit me (in the much anticipated trip that never was due to her foot needing surgery), she is a small one of her kind and this year they had a population bloom and were everywhere (so fricking cool!). Had Mom visited I think she would be in California by now after seeing one of these babies:


So anyway, while reading WeaselMomma's most recent post she introduced a new idea for a pet that is perfect for the average busy college student. And here it is:

Is it?
Oh yes it is!
Cough syrup!
What a little cutie, so happy and content and low maintenance, and don't listen to the directions on the box, she lasts way more than 8 hours with no risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome (in this application, not the other use, the other use definitely has a TSS risk but if you are dumb enough to take the before mentioned statement as directions for THAT then it is natural selection and I thank you for taking yourself out of the gene pool and will nominate you for this year's Darwin Award if I hear about it)!

And she gets along with my other low maintenance pet that Middle Sister gave me years ago as a joke and can't believe I still have it. They are so BFFs!

Nice and cozy, it is good to mimic your exotic pet's natural environment to make them feel more comfortable in their new home.

Awww, they are playing leap frog, how adorable!

And there you have it, thank you WeaselMomma for the wonderful suggestion! The only problem is I don't know what to name her, maybe my readers can think of some suggestions in the comments... Oh and if you plan to adopt one of these lovely pets you might want to make sure you get unscented, my goodness does she stink up the place, her only flaw! Hopefully it will wear off soon if she becomes this blog's version of the Bathtub Gangsta, because knowing my luck you will all fall in love with her*.





~~~~~Copy LiteralDan Section~~~~~
*By fall in love with her I mean fall in love with the idea of me carrying her around in public, I know at least some of you people!

~By the way doesn't my new camera take awesome pictures, I LOVE it!!!!! Only good thing about breaking the one I bought in May 2008!

~~If you read this Doc you don't have to send me to Dr. Seat Stealer (J told me he is a head shrinker so I'll so know what you're up to if you ask if you can "consult" with him), I have so not lost it, this is totally normal blogger behavior! Seriously go read about the Bathtub Gangsta (it is hilarious), this may be slightly more warped than that but I totally had to do it after reading WeaselMomma's blog. I am so not helping my case am I...

Hilarious or Evil? You Decide!

Myself*, Cheryl, and Niecey July 2006

Baby Sibling has decided that she wants to share some of her favorite interactions with Nieceypoo. She interrupted my blog reading and insisted I post them on the bloggity (yes I call my blog "the bloggity" or "the bloggity blog"). Here is the proof:
"The" Cheryl says: blog bout that one looool
"The" Cheryl says: tell em bout the dog plant too
"The" Cheryl says: go on
"The" Cheryl says: do eeet
"The" Cheryl says: and the mailing her moma in that tiny box
"The" Cheryl says: and the baboon zoo

And here is my deal with her:
Karen says: If my readers are all, "Awww poor Niecey being traumatized by her evil Auntie Cheryl" I am so publishing the "Auntie Cheryl is the meanest auntie ever!" comments!

Story 1: Whelpling** and the Big Scary Bug
"The" Cheryl says: hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk
"The" Cheryl says: Whelpling
"The" Cheryl says: lol
"The" Cheryl says: ha ha ha ha
"The" Cheryl says: So There's a male mosquito down here
"The" Cheryl says: and Whelpling's scared o it yeah
"The" Cheryl says: lolls
"The" Cheryl says: and so and so She grabs a block and gives me one yeah
"The" Cheryl says: LOOOOL
"The" Cheryl says: and and
Karen says: They are big and creepy looking
"The" Cheryl says: she's trying to find it and when she does She's all freaked out
"The" Cheryl says: *laughs more*
"The" Cheryl says: So I smash it with a block
"The" Cheryl says: and then have her smash the block with her block
"The" Cheryl says: and I tells her
"The" Cheryl says: I tells her
"The" Cheryl says: LOL
"The" Cheryl says: "Hold the two blocks otherwise it might get up and it'll be mad"
"The" Cheryl says: looool lol lol
"The" Cheryl says: She's stuck holdin the blocks now
"The" Cheryl says: and then
"The" Cheryl says: the kicker
Karen says: You do realize that you are evil right?
"The" Cheryl says: after she spent a good minute grinding the two blocks
"The" Cheryl says: the bug's obviously dead
"The" Cheryl says: ha haa haaaaa
"The" Cheryl says: and then
"The" Cheryl says: and then
"The" Cheryl says: she accidentally drops the blocks
"The" Cheryl says: and SCREAMS bloody murder
"The" Cheryl says: running away crying
"The" Cheryl says: (rofl)
"The" Cheryl says: as if it lived an shit
Karen says: You deserve any damage to your ears from the screaming...
"The" Cheryl says: none whatsoever
"The" Cheryl says: twas so worth it with the set up
Karen says: My poor traumatized little niecey
"The" Cheryl says: I er twas harmless
"The" Cheryl says: only eats plant stuff
"The" Cheryl says: nooooo, she didn't listen ta me
Karen says: They are huge and scary looking and she has our mother as a great example of being a bugphobe...

Story 2: Whelpling and the Baboon Zoo
"The" Cheryl says: Well long ago Whelpling like to misbehave, like every kid that age I know. So one day I gather up a good rippin' yarn. I tell Whelpling, who was in the middle of being a darn good pest, if she wanted to behave like a monkey I was gunna send her straight to the monkey zoo.
"The" Cheryl says: of course I had to pick the freakiest lookin monkey she disliked the most and inevitably it evolved into the Baboon Zoo
"The" Cheryl says: and so, I tells her she'll have a baboon mama and she cries, that she has a moma and doesn't want a baboon one
"The" Cheryl says: and I tells her she'll have a baboon pa, and she cries she doesn't want a baboon pa she has a pa
"The" Cheryl says: and so on so forth until the whole~ family is covered as baboons, something she didn't want.
"The" Cheryl says: I'm holding back laughing my butt off and over time the baboon threat weakened and naturally as all small whelps, she started not believing me
"The" Cheryl says: she got cocky
"The" Cheryl says: really really cocky about this
"The" Cheryl says: until I grabbed a box
"The" Cheryl says: a really small box
"The" Cheryl says: I told her to get in, that she was being shipped to the baboon zoo. Hoo boy did she pitch a fit
"The" Cheryl says: up until she figured out she couldn't possibly fit in the box and I was laughing too hard ta be serious

Story 3: Whelpling can buy It on E-bay
"The" Cheryl says: THEN came another day of Whelpling shinanigans, she wouldn't stop being obnoxious
"The" Cheryl says: I told her if she didn't stop bugging her Mama I was going to sell Mama on ebay
"The" Cheryl says: and she yet again didn't believe me so whilst she was busy in the kitchen being an ultra pesty pest [Middle Sister] hid and I grabbed a small box.
"The" Cheryl says: I told Whelpling that I sold Mama for five bucks and she was being mailed out now. She looks at the small box in horror and starts yelling at me to let Mama out of the box
"The" Cheryl says: Naturally I put it out on the front step, kid followin behind me, yowling. Never mind the box was way too small to hold even the skinest of Mamas
"The" Cheryl says: meanwhile, her Mama is sneakin up silently behind Whelpling and right as I put the box down [Middle Sister] yells "BOO!" and Whelpling squeaks turning around and yelling happily "Mama! You're not in the box!" and yet again, I get to laugh my butt off

Story 4: Whelpling and the Dog Plant

My aunt's dog, not the dog in the story.

"The" Cheryl says: We were playing outside and of course the neighbors' dog comes on over for Whelpling pets
"The" Cheryl says: The dog is shedding and we both end up covered in fur
"The" Cheryl says: I pluck up a few and tell Whelpling that if she plants the fur, a dog plant will grow. She naturally believes me and grabs the fur and digs a little hole, puts the fur in, covers it and pats it gently down. It was so precious. She even watered it!
"The" Cheryl says: now this year a columbine grew in that spot***. Whelpling was so happy
"The" Cheryl says: "Look Auntie Cheryl! My dog plant grew!"

"The" Cheryl says: it was just so very cute

Picture of a columbine.

-----Copy LiteralDan Section-----
* Yes I used to "rock" the bangs, this was when I had started to grow them out.
** Cheryl calls Niecey such names as Whelp, Whelpling, Pest, Brat, Wee One, Bratling. She insisted that I call her Whelpling. Hijacks my blog and then insists I rename Nieceypoo...
*** Here is Loren's footnote, thanks for the comment and bringing to my attention a hole in Auntie Cheryl's narrative, bratty sibling neglecting the facts! She had Niecey plant the fur in one of the garden plots, the one I had heavily seeded with columbine seeds. Though she may not have known I had seeded that bed, I do remember her discovering she had pulled some columbines out of it thinking they were weeds until she saw the others coming up...

The Family

When people who know me meet my family they often say something like, "I totally understand you now", or "Holy crap you are like the 'sane' one?!". So I figured I would introduce you to my family, perhaps you will be able to see where I get it from when I inevitably post something that sounds nutty.

Daddy, aka Pa: Daddy is a stay at home grandpa, he retired not long after my niece was born and ended up falling into the roll of primary caregiver (yes I know, he should totally start a blog!). I am a total Daddy's little girl, probably a reason I love the daddy blogs so much. Dad worked at home much of my early childhood, while money was tight at times it was awesome having my dad around whenever I wanted or needed him and quite the adjustment when he got a job outside the home when I was a young teen.

Mom, aka Graw!: My mom is very quirky, she adores puns, I mean really adores puns, the more blatant the better! She likes massively huge coffee cups, it has always been a quest to see who could find the biggest one to give her (I kinda won that one when Hallmark made the coffee cup planter, only problem is that she can't actually use it for tea or coffee so victory is not 100% complete). She is ridiculously scared of stinging insects, to the point where when I was an infant she abandoned me in my stroller when she saw a bee, in her defense my grandparents were there. Grandpa's version is that she pushed the stroller at the bee to divert its attention so she could make her escape, he has been known to embellish his stories just a bit... If I ever get her reaction to a bee/wasp/hornet/fly that she has not yet identified on video it is something I will be unable to resist posting here even though it will be positive proof that I am an evil daughter.

Me, aka The Microblogologist, aka Karen, aka Auntie Kee: I am the oldest of three girls, Daddy was sooooooo sure I was going to be a boy that they had a boy name and boy clothes and I think even bought "It's a boy" birth announcements. Mom had a feeling I might be a girlchild but Dad was so insistent that he "knew" I was a boy she just went with the flow (which is very unusual for her, the pregnancy hormones must have temporarily addled her brain). So I didn't have a name for a day or two before they decided on Karen and wore blue a lot. I was only 18 months old when a sibling was inflicted on me, and then 13 months after that another one! They have a home video of them bringing Cheryl home and introducing her to me, it went something like this:
Mom: Look it is Cheryl, she's your sister.
2.5 year old me: That's not my sister, THAT'S my sister (pointing to Middle Sister).

They had neglected to tell me that one could have more than one I guess. After that my parents figured out where babies come from and stopped piling siblings on me.

Middle Sister: Niecey's mother, works two jobs and has some weird illness that her idiot doctor (resident) refuses to refer her to a specialist to find out what it is or order the test for what the symptoms kinda fit (MS). His ass is mine if he prevents her from getting timely treatment for a degenerative disorder and she is stuck in a messed up state. And I can definitely put myself in a position to afford to go after him, grad school has not put me in debt at all and med school is extremely expensive, add malpractice insurance (he better double his while he has the chance!) and I will likely be able to get out of debt and have the money for a kick ass lawyer before he can even make a small dent in his loans. I don't think people should sue for every stupid little thing but blatant stupidity like this man has shown is unacceptable.

Baby Sibling, aka Auntie Cheryl: Growing up we were not what you would call friends. I was horrid to her, Middle Sister often was too. Everyone that witnessed me picking on poor Baby Sibling told me that I shouldn't and that someday we were going to be the best of friends, oh how I scoffed at those ignorant adults, that was so never going to happen! Oh but happen it did, Baby Sibling is my bestest friend now. She is an artist, eventually she plans to become a jeweler. Currently she is a stay at home auntie and helps raise the niece. Her input:
"The" Cheryl says: you forgot to mention the fact that I'm the greatest thing sinse bread

Niecey, aka Niecey poo, aka Sweetie pea, aka Cutie pea....: Yeah I have a lot of nicknames for the little niecey poo and she loves it. I can call her just about anything I want and she is cool with it, as long as I don't call her by her first and middle name, oh does she ever have a fit if you include her middle name when addressing her! Sometimes I do it just to listen to the indignant speech she gives, she gets all huffy as she carries on and on, it is just too funny to resist, bonus is if you catch her about to do something she shouldn't and say it in a warning voice she will be too busy giving her speech to do whatever it was. She is a very funny kid, she tries to tell jokes but totally screws them up and then fake laughs at her own joke, it is way funnier this way than if she actually told the silly joke right. She just turned 5 and is not happy about it, least she wasn't when I called to wish her a happy birthday, she informed me she isn't 5. According to Middle Sister the niecey decided that one loses their cuteness at 5 and so she'd rather stay 4. She is so advanced for her age, though I would rather she be advanced in ways other than being concerned with aging! I can't believe my little baby niecey is going to be starting kindergarten, she will be going to the same school that the siblings and I went to. When she was first learning to talk she started calling my mom Graw because she could not pronounce Grandma, I think Mom wanted to be called "Granma", when trying to teach this to Niecey she would overemphasize the Grah part. We all thought it was hilarious and so we positively reinforced it like crazy and thus it has stuck. Mom was not too pleased with this at first but I think she has come to like her new name as it is rather unique.

Auntie D: Auntie D is a very close family friend, she lived with us a couple times when I was a kid and so is like a second mother to me. She is one of those people who is generally very good with kids and adores them. I always felt that she should have kids of her own and not just help raise other people's kids. She was married and they tried but she never got pregnant, being that she is diabetic they figured it was a complication of that and she couldn't have kids. Imagine her surprise when after she got divorced and had a ummm, adult relationship, she discovers she is totally capable of reproducing (then and not now). I was so happy when I found out she was pregnant! And I was extremely honored when she asked me to be her son's godmother.

The Godson, aka Buggy: Godson was due to be born in early September. Due to his mommy's diabetes, which was out of control for many years prior, her kidneys were just not able to handle the demands of pregnancy and he needed to be delivered early otherwise neither of them would survive, that was at the end of June. She was 28 weeks and 1 days along. I remember visiting him when he was 17 days old, he was so tiny! He was not on the ventilator long at all and other than a blood infection and a couple other minor issues he did great. I moved to start grad school that August and when I visited for Labor day weekend he was almost ready to be discharged from the NICU and was soooo "huge". He just turned 3 this year and oh my goodness has he grown! My babies aren't babies anymore!

Richard, aka Uncle Richard: Richard is someone I have known all my life, he goes to my parents' church and is a dear family friend. I declared him my uncle about 10 years ago, my family "adopts" relatives, whether they like it or not! Richard and I both enjoy country music and when I lived back home we would occasionally go to concerts, and we have been to country thunder in Twin Lakes, WI several times. One of these years we plan to go back and get VIP tickets, especially if the VIP perks are as awesome as they were in the past. Oh and he totally has my back, he let the drunk redneck hang all over him during one of the concerts while I was safely on his other side.

And there you have it, a glimpse into my family. Hope you enjoyed it, must have to have read all that =).