A Brewmeister's Review: Melbourne Bitter

For your enjoyment, another post written by my Daddy, the Brewmeister:


The Brewmeister is devastated. An idol died, a whole nation of idols, an entire continent of idols died. They had the reputation of being the largest per capita of beer drinkers in the entire world. Says the raven, nevermore.

I was sitting in my lower level thoroughly enjoying a cold mug of Bill’s Cheapass Ale when my daughter came in with a six pack of brew. The label said “Product of Australia”, not licensed in Canada or worse yet made in Wisconsin but made in Australia. This impressed me! I read on. It said “Melbourne Bitter”. The Brewmeister was impressed and honored with a six pack of real beer from the beer consumption capital of the entire world.

I read on; the label said 375 ml. I cannot respect a beer that uses metric measure, it is anti-American liberalism. Real American beer drinkers drink ounces, pints, and quarts. I continued to read; it said 4.6%. Very weak by Brewmeister standards but the Brewmeister respects the fact that about half of the Australian beer drinkers are women. Perhaps if the alcohol content were more realistic the Australian birth rate would be much higher.

Enough about the can and the label, the real proof of a beer comes after it is poured in the mug and tasted. I poured a can of Melbourne Bitter into my favorite mug; it looked like a beautiful Pale Ale or a light Pilsner. It was beautiful. I tasted it; the romance was over. I wanted to spew it out but my daughter would have been embarrassed. I choked it down; It was worse than any supermarket swill I ever tasted, even worse than the Korean brew we drank in the army when we were almost broke.

My heart goes out to the beer drinking people of Australia. They have a colossal advanced case of Richard’s syndrome, their taste buds have atrophied to the point of being nonexistent. Low alcohol swill is their way of life. I have seen pictures of bikini bottom clad Australian women on the beach. Beautiful but they lacked beer bellies and stretch marks. A respectable brew in pint bottles would cure these problems.

Years ago the Foster’s brewing company brewed a beer fit for human consumption called Fosters. Then they gave up their self respect and franchised it to Canada and in the finally degradation franchised it to Wisconsin. Apparently they started drinking their own swill causing their decline into Richard’s syndrome and socialism. Melbourne Bitter should never be drunk by conservative Christian capitalistic persons. Possibly it can be used as a poison to kill Cane Toads.

Can Australians be educated to home brew their own beer? They are in dire need of many, many Mr Beer home brew kits. Everything needed is available on the internet. A few pints of real beer and you won’t have to worry about your boomerang not coming back. She will never leave except to fetch you another pint!!

Reflections on a Perfect Brew

For your enjoyment, and because I've been too busy to write a post of my own, another post written by my Daddy, aka the Brewmeister:


One day the Brewmeister was contemplating his latest masterful creation affectionately called Bill's Kickass Hard Lemonade. He was enjoying the praise coming from his pie eyed youngest when the phone rang. It was his oldest; it was a complaint about his favorite ale*, Bill's Kickass Ale. The Brewmeister was devastated; his prize product was not being loved and appreciated. It was too flavorful, too strong. At first the Brewmeister attributed it to Richard's Syndrome, named after a victim named Richard who drank too much MGD, a form of supermarket swill. His atrophied taste buds regenerated after drinking copious supplies of Bill's Kickass Ale allowing him to rejoin the human race.

The Brewmeister was devastated by this negativity! But rather than sulk in blatant self pity he reacted in a positive manner befitting a Brewmeister. This blatant negativity interacted with his natural creativity stimulated the Brewmeister to create a brand new brew, a reduced flavor brew (The Brewmeister does not acknowledge the legitimacy of so called lite or low carb beer. These are lame attempts to merchandise swill to brainwashed consumers who waste too much time watching television and actually believe their misleading and boring commercials.) After some experimentation, a new product was born, Bill's Cheapass Ale!! It has all the positive attributes of Bill's Kickass Ale but will not overpower the sensitive taste buds of the ladies. Men can enjoy it too**!

Only the Brewmeister can improve what the Brewmeister has created.

~~~~~Copy LiteralDan Section~~~~~

*He is referring to WeaselMomma's review of his Bill's Kickass Ale, click the link in the post to view the video she made of her trying it.

**The new recipe he developed, Bill's Cheapass Ale, is pretty much all he makes now and so he DOES enjoy it, quite regularly, lol!

Thank You Veterans

I am taking a short break from my prelim exam to say thank you to the US veterans as well as those currently serving in the military and their families. Veterans are the reason I can have this blog, speak my mind, go to school, vote and live my life as I see fit (within reason of course). And if not for the army I wouldn't have this picture, given to me by my grandma, of my daddy looking like a snazzy young stud back in the day!


Daddy enlisted after finishing high school, he saw the Cuban missile crisis and spent some time over in South Korea after the war. His older brother got drafted and spend the Vietnam war over in Germany doing something involving supplies. Daddy fixed things with the army version of duct tape (think he calls it "green tape") and did geek stuff. He "fondly" recalls SOS, which is a delicacy apparently ;).

Members of the US military, current and past, and their families: Thank you for all you have sacrificed to ensure my safety and freedom, you are the reason I am proud to be an American and I salute you!

Three Cheers for July 30th

While I try to live my life so that every day is special, today is a very special day for me, for three reasons. And since today is extra special I've decided to take the time to share why with all of you =)

Reason 1: It is Daddy's birthday! About a million or so years ago my father was born. He was raised on a farm in Indiana, and a member of the 4H club. Lucky for me Grandma gave me some old pictures of him growing up, isn't he adorable with his baby cow?:


Fast forward somewhere around 50 years and you have the picture Niecey took of him after snatching my camera (I may have given her permission to play with it) over Christmas:


Happy birthday Daddy, you have always been there for me and are a wonderful father to my siblings and myself as well as Niecey. You are the best daddy a girl could ask for and I love you very much!

Reason 2: It is Niecey's birthday! Six years ago today I had a very very very sore arm from being Middle Sis's leg holder. It was highly traumatic seeing my sister give birth, I NEVER want to view a baby being born again, including my potential future offspring! Even though I am scarred for life over seeing my sister shoving an 8lb 2oz baby out of her nether regions it was all worth it. I was blessed with the most adorable little niece after enduring all that and watching that tiny little baby grow into this little girl has been amazing:


And who doesn't like morning snuggles? Whenever I visit and Niecey wakes up before me she will quietly play by the room I sleep in and check periodically until she sees my eyes open. Often she will try to get me to get up and play with her but usually she'll humor me and give me some morning snuggles before "making" me get out of bed, one of the great perks of visiting the homeland!


Happy birthday Niecey! I hate that I've spent the last 4 years of your life so far away but know that I am doing it in part to be able to give you a better future and even though there are 350 miles between us I am always here for you. Thank you for making me an Auntie, I love you with all of my heart and am so very proud of you!

Reason 3: One year ago today I decided to stop being just an observer of the blogging community but to join it. I started this humble little blog for several reasons but one of the main ones was that I followed so many wonderful people and felt close to them even though they had no idea I even existed for the most part. I wanted to see if perhaps some of these great people would find me amusing and let me join the fun. In that year I have made friends with so many amazing people and am so proud to be a part of such an awesome community. We laugh together, we cry together, and when someone needs help people in the blogging community step up and do what they can to support whomever is down, whether it be with a sweet comment or by donating money/supplies or in my case a fellow blogger opened up his home and let me stay the night when I got stuck in traffic and was going to have to try and find a hotel in a city I had never been to (I have not forgotten you and your wife's kindness and what a great time we all had Kevin, thanks again and I will get around to writing a post about it one of these days!). I think the world would be a much better place if real society followed the example of the bloggers. Thank you all for reading my blog, for the great comments you leave and for befriending a nerdy grad student, I love you guys!

So two birthdays and a blogoversary all in one day, definitely reason to celebrate! What better way to celebrate than with a yummy chocolate cake:

The 6 yellow candles are for Niecey's birthday (yellow is her favorite), the green one is for Daddy and the blue one is for my blog.

Thanks Daddy...

Tonight I was harassing talking to my baby sister on the phone when my dear father person started laughing hysterically. Worried that he might have drank too much of his home brew, or was getting sudden onset senility or something we inquired what he found so funny. Turns out he somehow discovered what he has dubbed my theme song on youtube. It is a blast from the past, he thinks it came out when he was in high school or maybe jr. high, so back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth. And what had my father cackling and risking brain damage due to laughing too hard to breathe? Well my dearest readers it was a song about people who are altitude-challenged like me and he learned how to send links on skype just so he could share it with me, behold my alleged theme song:

Now the question is would he have dared link me that song if he was aware of how kick ass I've become due to my water aerobics classes? I mean would YOU mess with this:





I think not! Watch out Daddy, I know where you live and sleep!

Tipsy Tuesday

Ever since I got my dad the Mr. Beer brew kit he has been hooked on brewing his own beer. I remember him attempting to make his own when I was a kid but it did not last too long between it not being very successful and my mother very much was against this hobby (it does create an odor that may not appeal to all). When I was an undergrad I took a microbiology course that included a lab component, in this lab we made a batch of beer and in doing so I became aware of what Daddy had been doing wrong. When you bottle beer while home brewing you need to add a bit of sugar, aka priming sugar, the yeast metabolize this sugar and convert it mainly into carbon dioxide, which creates the fizz that is associated with beer.

Daddy had been trying to add the priming sugar to the bottles individually and it was messy, difficult and often did not produce the right amount of carbonation. Too little carbonation and you have a flat beer, not very appealing I imagine. If you have too much carbonation you will have to get a ladder and lick the beer off the ceiling if you want any, which WeaselMomma probably would have done if this happened to her Coors Light the day after Lent. In micro we added the priming sugar to the bucket and then bottled it, worked every time. The Mr. Beer kit's instructions agreed with my lab protocol and Daddy adopted it and low and behold it works! And so without that challenge he has had time to experiment with other aspects of making fermented beverage. Like when I managed to get him a sample of super yeast, he is still playing with it since the first batch.

One of his recent challenges is making hard lemonade, one of Baby Sibling's alcoholic beverages of choice. They have very different versions of how this came about, Sibling says Daddy just offered to make it because he was interested in the challenge, this account is Daddy's version:


The continuing adventures of the BrewMeister……

Following my great success with Bill's Kickass Ale, I have continued to develop my excellent, high quality low cost Brew. I found a hops source which charges less than $2.00 per ounce for high quality leaf hops in pound quantity, which drops the price of 5 gallons by up to $5.00. The first batch was a bit weak but drinkable; Richard loved it and with his revitalized taste buds that is saying something. The latest batch is the best of all. I used the new Hops (Glacier alpha of 5.9) and boiled it for an hour.

But alas my euphoria of creating the perfect brew was short lived; my bubble was burst. My ego deflated. My youngest daughter asked a very degrading question: Can I make Hard lemonade? The BrewMeister was degraded! Humiliated! Why would the BrewMeister want to make disgusting swill like lemonade? Nonetheless, if a true BrewMeister can make peanut butter out of shit (sorry Texas) hard lemonade cannot be that difficult.

A Google search for hard lemonade gave several ghastly recipes involving killing the yeasties and artificial carbonization. Peasants!! A true BrewMeister does not kill yeasties and artificially carbonate. They deserve to drink supermarket swill! My first batch will be bottled in a few days and my bet is that between Richard and my daughter it won’t last long.

Now, about that Peanut butter challenge…


Microblogologist again, I have no idea what this weird peanut butter reference is, perhaps NukeDad can enlighten me as he is from Texas. There is a chance Daddy was testing his experiments when he wrote his post, I wouldn't be surprised one way or the other with him, lol. According to the Sibling this nasty concoction was delish, as I have in the past I question her taste... Of course the fact that I am not a fan of lemonade and any form of lemon with the one exception of lemon bars might make me a bit biased about something lemon flavored (do NOT get me started on one of the most vile drugs in the world, carbonated lemon flavored magnesium citrate, and what I believe should happen to the idiot who came up with this absolutely wretched drink!). I hope you all enjoyed this post, feel free to leave some ego inflating comments for Daddy, mayhap we'll convince him to start his own blog, though that might not be a good idea since I won't get these lovely guest posts from him then! Quit laughing Uncle Richard, you might not get enough oxygen to your brain if you keep it up!

The Adventures of Super Yeast: First Batch

Greetings dear reader(s), I know some of you have been waiting for this for a long time well here it is, the first batch of Super Beer has been brewed and tasted. Daddy was kind enough to write up the experience and send it to me for your enjoyment. Besides the fact that I didn't have to write it myself what I love most about this post is that this is exactly how my father talks/tells a story, LOVE it! I will be adding my thoughts in the "Copy LiteralDan Section" (see Dan, I am linking you so your tech thingy will go up, I get minion points right?). So without further ado here is the next installment of The Adventures of Super Yeast:

Once upon a time there was a very nice, but very sober and boring, Grandfatherly person who had a very sensitive and loving daughter who, noticing her beloved father's sad plight solved his problem: She bought him a MrBeer homebrewing kit. At first his miserable existence took a turn for the worse; he had to listen to vast quantities of bitching and nagging* about the house smelling like a brewery. Ignoring bitching females** is a character trait that must be developed for a man to stay sane. Others include the babble filter*** and the random noncommittal grunt communication technique****. In any event, although it seemed like an eternity, the brew was ready, but alas it was wimpy. It was far better than supermarket swill but wimpy. Also the wimpy MrBeer kit cost a lot more than supermarket swill.*****

A drinkable brew must have:

1. Great taste tailored to the individual. If I like it it is good otherwise it sucks.
2. Potency otherwise we can just drink Kool aid and enjoy pissing.
3. Ease of production. I use liquid malt extract (LME) rather than barley for that reason.
4. Low cost, about 1/3 the price of supermarket swill. Buy the LME in bulk.

I now consume about five gallons of my home brew per month which I am still striving to perfect, along with a little help from my good friend Richard. Richard had a handicap which developed over the years. His taste buds atrophied from drinking MGD****** for far too long. His mind was going too as he started believing the MGD commercials on TV. He condescended to try my brew just to prove me wrong. Then he realized what he likes the most about my brew: it was free!! Since then his taste buds have completely regenerated and his mind is coming back. At least he no longer sings along with MGD commercials (not that he could sing anyway)*******.

My loving daughter provided me with a sample of a new Industrial grade, genetically enhanced yeast (aka Super Yeast) tailored to quickly produce ethanol in copious supply and high concentration to replace gasoline. I brewed a 2 ½ gallon batch with it as a test. It fermented quickly (2 days vs 1 week). It looked a little darker than my earlier brew but no big deal.

I sampled the new stuff tonight (1 12 oz bottle). The bitterness of the hops was apparent as the sugar was totally consumed by the Super Yeast. One bottle bent my head about the same as a 16 oz bottle with normal brewers yeast. If I made a really nasty******** batch I would use the Super Yeast. If I used it for a normal batch I would have to add some non-fermentable sugar to sweeten it. It might make good Christmas gifts for some redneck relatives*********. Just imagine a 50 proof********** beer would do for your reputation. I really like the last batch and will continue with it with minor changes, if any. I am naming it Bill's Kickass Ale #1.

BILL'S KICKASS ALE #1

Add 2 Gal water to brewing kettle and heat to 160 deg F

Add ½ # of Wheat Malt to aid Head Retention

Steep at 160 deg F for ½ hour

Heat to boil;

Add 1 oz of Vanguard hops (alpha acid 4.4%)

Boil for 30 min;

Add 1 oz of Spalt hops (alpha acid 2.2%)

Boil for 15 min more;

Add 6.6# of Liquid malt extract

Add 1# Corn Sugar

Add Water for 5 Gallons total in fermentor

Aerate; Add Yeast when temp is under 70 deg F

After 1 week transfer to secondary.

After 1 week transfer back to primary fermentor.

Add ¾ cup of corn sugar and stir well. Bottle

After 2 or 3 weeks it is ready!!!!

Note: I prefer to use leaf hops but due to diminished hop availability

I had to use hop pellets. I can look at hops plugs and see what I

am getting but with pellets I could be using lawn clippings or

worse and never be sure.

-----Copy LiteralDan Section-----

*My mother tends to be a bit vocal when she doesn't like something, and by bit I mean a lot, a whole lot, enough to get her way 99% of the time not only at home but everywhere.

**Mainly my mother but he also has three daughters and a granddaughter so is quite outnumbered and outgunned. He is not as chauvinistic as he sounds, it is part of his sense of humor, which can be quite warped.

***Babble Filter = Ignoring/tuning out people.

**** The random noncommittal grunt communication technique = pretend you are listening by making noises every once in awhile. Note that this is not always the most effective method, it works better if someone is ranting and raving but not seeking advice just venting, I totally know when he is doing it much of the time.

*****Supermarket swill = any store bought beer that was cheap enough for him to be willing to buy prior to him brewing his own beer and becoming a total beer snob.

******There has always been a "friendly" debate between Uncle Richard and Daddy over the worth of MGD. Daddy is convinced that MGD is just as good as the cheap crap he always bought (red dog and busch usually) while Richard has always maintained its superiority and that it is worth the extra money to buy it.

*******This is actually believable, and Richard can definitely sing, though maybe not so much after a bottle of home brew given the significantly higher percentage of ethanol.

********High ethanol concentration.

*********He totally means my cousins, his sister had three boys to my family's three girls. I don't think they are all that redneck but Daddy loves to say they are, perhaps because they live in the middle of nowhere Michigan.

**********Given enough sugar the Super Yeast will produce up to about a 50 proof beer, the batch he made used the amount of sugar that he uses for a normal batch of beer. The normal yeast will generally stop producing ethanol before they run out of sugar since they can only tolerate a certain percentage of ethanol, since it has a significanly higher tolerance the Super Yeast used up all the sugar and made a stronger beer but in this batch it is not likely at the 50 proof concentration. If I run into one of the engineers that work with it I think I will ask them how much sugar they use in their fermentation broth to max it out but not have too much left over.

The Adventures of Super Yeast: Introduction

And now the start of what Jim at BusyDad has been waiting for, the start/introduction of the super yeast series!

A couple years ago I was trolling the local Target looking for Christmas presents, I think I was on a mission from Aunt D since I normally do not shop at Target (tiny walmart is closer and 24 hours, I like to shop in the middle of the night), a couple times they have sold out of a toy in the Chicagoland area but not here so I've "saved Christmas". The local target is huge, and it isn't even a super target, so it is a decent place to go to buy cheap crap great gifts for everyone on my list. As I was trolling (I rarely know what I am going to buy someone, I am more of a "I'll know it when I see it" gift picker outer) around and got to an end cap and it had all kinds of odd products that amused me. As I was looking at all the weird things they hoped to entice people into buying (at least some it was the as seen on tv stuff) there it was, the perfect present for Daddy, a home brewing kit! I bought him the Mr. Beer kit and a refill thing that had extra bottles and supplies.

When I was little Dad attempted to make his own beer, it was not the most successful adventure for him, not the first time he had done so either. I figured that perhaps if he had a kit that it would help him get it working and then he could branch out, I knew the kit stuff would not satisfy him, especially since the brewing tank only allowed about 2 gallon batches. He had all the equipment from when he had attempted brewing in the past, this included a 6 or so gallon bucket which I think is good for 5 gallon batches. The main thing he has done "wrong" in the past was the priming step at the end. When you brew beer you start with a certain amount of sugar in your wort, the yeast metabolize (eat/use) it and in the presence of oxygen they produce carbon dioxide and if there is no oxygen they produce ethanol and some carbon dioxide. Eventually they either use up all the sugar or they get to a point where the concentration of ethanol is too high and it inhibits further growth. When you get to the bottling step you have to "prime" the beer with some sugar so that the yeast will metabolize it and produce carbon dioxide otherwise the beer will be flat. In the past Dad had always tried to add the sugar to the bottle and quickly cap it, this was a somewhat messy and inexact method that would often produce beer that was either a bit flat or way over-carbonated and when opened the beer would shoot to the ceiling.

When I took my undergrad general microbiology course we had a lab that went with it, in that course we made pickles and beer. When we made the beer we used a kit and for the priming step a certain amount of sugar was mixed into the bucket of beer and then it was bottled. This produced a uniform carbonation that was perfect. I mentioned it to Dad but he totally brushed it off. The Mr. Beer kit instructs using the method my micro course did and he tried it and it worked. I think this was actually the main thing that held him back in the past, that and my mother complaining about it smelling (though it didn't smell that strong to me). The Mr. Beer kit got him going and he hasn't shown any signs of stopping, in fact he has gotten very into it and studies the concepts behind it all, he sounds like a food scientist/microbiologist sometimes!

Last semester I took my last of 5 seminar classes, seminar is basically a course where we meet once a week and either give a talk or listen to speakers. One of my favorite profs got conned into giving a seminar and his current research was in ethanol production and so that is what he spoke about. He gave more of a discussion talk, which was cool since I knew enough to sound intelligent while participating! As is customary part of the introduction was introducing us to the bug, in this case yeast ( Saccharomyces cerevisiae) which is a fungus. His lab was using an industrial strain that had been developed (not sure if it was genetically engineered or "bred") that had a higher tolerance to ethanol and therefore would ferment more of the sugar and produce a higher amount of ethanol. Here are some numbers, store bought beer tends to have about 4.5% ethanol (Kerr & Greenfield, 2003), beer brewed to completion I think is upwards to 14% give or take (whatever wine that has not been distilled should be about right), and if memory serves me the industrial strain can get up to 24% give or take in small scale batches (large scale tends to limit it a bit).

Since this professor was my first boss at this university and a valued member of my committee (group of 5 professors I choose who guide my journey through grad school and decide if and when I get my degree) I used that connection to obtain samples of this strain of yeast for Daddy, I mean what's the use of having a microbiologist for a daughter if she can't get you yeast to play with?! Almost didn't get it, I found out that he had accepted a position at another university not long before he left. Thankfully for me I contacted him in time and he asked one of his grad students to get it for me! I got it just in time for Daddy's birthday, he has been looking forward to playing with it since I told him about the strain. Who knows if it will work in beer making or not but it should be fun to play with and Daddy has agreed to give me updates and such about how it is going so I can blog about it (I told him about my blog). I'm hoping for pictures of the process but I am not sure if Daddy knows how to use Baby Sibling's camera and Baby Sibling is often not around for the beer making.

Sample bottles of Super Yeast.

He hasn't started a batch yet, as I recall he plans to use it in the Mr. Beer tank, he uses that when he wants to experiment with recipes and such so if it is disgusting he doesn't have to drink as many bottles of it (throwing away beer is against the rules I guess). It probably won't be too long before he is playing with the super yeast, figured I'd get the introduction up now so I don't get behind. Once again thanks goes to Baby Sibling for making that nifty graphic for this series!