Saturday, May 8, 2010

A Brewmeister's Review: Melbourne Bitter

For your enjoyment, another post written by my Daddy, the Brewmeister:

The Brewmeister is devastated. An idol died, a whole nation of idols, an entire continent of idols died. They had the reputation of being the largest per capita of beer drinkers in the entire world. Says the raven, nevermore.

I was sitting in my lower level thoroughly enjoying a cold mug of Bill’s Cheapass Ale when my daughter came in with a six pack of brew. The label said “Product of Australia”, not licensed in Canada or worse yet made in Wisconsin but made in Australia. This impressed me! I read on. It said “Melbourne Bitter”. The Brewmeister was impressed and honored with a six pack of real beer from the beer consumption capital of the entire world.

I read on; the label said 375 ml. I cannot respect a beer that uses metric measure, it is anti-American liberalism. Real American beer drinkers drink ounces, pints, and quarts. I continued to read; it said 4.6%. Very weak by Brewmeister standards but the Brewmeister respects the fact that about half of the Australian beer drinkers are women. Perhaps if the alcohol content were more realistic the Australian birth rate would be much higher.

Enough about the can and the label, the real proof of a beer comes after it is poured in the mug and tasted. I poured a can of Melbourne Bitter into my favorite mug; it looked like a beautiful Pale Ale or a light Pilsner. It was beautiful. I tasted it; the romance was over. I wanted to spew it out but my daughter would have been embarrassed. I choked it down; It was worse than any supermarket swill I ever tasted, even worse than the Korean brew we drank in the army when we were almost broke.

My heart goes out to the beer drinking people of Australia. They have a colossal advanced case of Richard’s syndrome, their taste buds have atrophied to the point of being nonexistent. Low alcohol swill is their way of life. I have seen pictures of bikini bottom clad Australian women on the beach. Beautiful but they lacked beer bellies and stretch marks. A respectable brew in pint bottles would cure these problems.

Years ago the Foster’s brewing company brewed a beer fit for human consumption called Fosters. Then they gave up their self respect and franchised it to Canada and in the finally degradation franchised it to Wisconsin. Apparently they started drinking their own swill causing their decline into Richard’s syndrome and socialism. Melbourne Bitter should never be drunk by conservative Christian capitalistic persons. Possibly it can be used as a poison to kill Cane Toads.

Can Australians be educated to home brew their own beer? They are in dire need of many, many Mr Beer home brew kits. Everything needed is available on the internet. A few pints of real beer and you won’t have to worry about your boomerang not coming back. She will never leave except to fetch you another pint!!



K'man said...

I was so excited to see that you posted, only to find that you have your father doing your blogging for you.
Still he is pretty funny. I pity those poor half naked Aussies that don't have stretch marks or beer bellies.

Seriously, when will you come back to entertaining us with your witty observations of college life? We miss that interaction!
All the best,

The Microblogologist said...

Hi Kevin,

Daddy surprised me with that post, he is a sweetie to think of my poor neglected blog and the few readers I have left! I'll be back after I finish my exams and get caught up with some stuff. I've missed blogging and interacting with you and my other blog friends! Oh and if I get to have my niece visit this summer and a bit of time off we MUST have a playdate, and this time Lauren and her girls have to be there too =)

Thanks for sticking around =)

seashore subjects said...

A very comical post. Thanks to your dad. It will be nice when you are back!

Richard said...

I must agree (and not only because I have a syndrome named after me). I had a can of Biter. I can only conclude that Bill a)felt I was a justifiable excuse for getting rid of a can he wouldn't have to drink, or b: his home brew would taste great by comparison. Probably both

Soda gone flat tastes better, and I am not a soda drinker.

The Microblogologist said...

Seashore: Thanks, I miss you too and Daddy loves having his ego stroked ;)

Richard: I know for sure a is true, b is probably true too. It sounds quite horrific, so glad that several of my medications have the do not consume alcohol stickers firmly affixed to their bottles!!!!!

Anonymous said...

your dad is a card! tell him thanks for the good info. would hate to drink swill even if it was Aussie swill :)

i miss you!!

*this is my 3 of 5 i'm-sorry-i've-been-a-lazy-blob-and-haven't-read-your-blog-in-forever-comment :)