Tuesday, November 25, 2008

How to Survive the Coming Ice Age

While some of you might believe in global warming there are those of us who know that in reality there is an ice age coming instead, for some of us it has already arrived (current temperature here Actual: 24°F Feels Like*: 18°F.) While there are some people who are excited about the coming death to us all the rest of us are doing all we can to survive until maybe someday Al Gore's predictions of a future utopia will come true and running our oldsmobiles when we can to try and do our part to bring this dream to life.

It has recently come to my attention that one of my favorite Floridian's will be traveling north from her tropical paradise into the land of ice and snow and needs the help of someone who has managed to survive 25 consecutive winters. With the help of Flat WeaselMomma we are answering this plea for help, not only for the obviously humanitarian reasons but also because McMommy's blog rocks and should she perish in the wasteland that is the North from October to April we would lose one of the greatest bloggers on the blogosphere. And so here is the official Microblogologist's Guide to Surviving a Northern Winter:

Step 1: Long underwear, I personally prefer the newer kinds that are more like leggings and do not have that old school square weave, they can be purchased at walmart for about $7. Unfortunately for me this year they seem to have decided medium is the new small and so my new ones are baggy.Step 2: Optional extra pair of long underwear, if it is really cold or your pants are not made of thick material a second pair of long underwear can save you from freezing to death.Step 3: Clothes.Step 4: The hoodie, this is a very versitle layer, it can work in chilly weather by itself, it can be worn indoors either zipped or unzipped based on the coldness of the establishment, and in this context it is a layer that doubles as a head cover since it seems that winter coats these days do not come with hoods without that tacky fake fur (no offense if you like that kind of thing). I make use of my hoodies pretty much year round since air conditioning is often cranked lower than my comfort zone (~70-85°F).Step 5: The ear/forhead band and boots. My beloved Aunt bought me a headband last winter, I used to scoff at them but now am 100% in love with them, they really help keep the ears warm but also for those of us who have ditched the bangs look it also helps keep the forhead comfy. Boots are somewhat optional if you are not going to come into contact with snow and there are a variety of different styles, I personally went for a cheap and simple black boots that match my coat and do not see the point of spending a lot of money on name brands that you can buy walmart version for a tenth the price. If either not wearing boots or it is very cold wearing two pairs of socks or getting special thick socks will help keep the toes from freezing off.Step 6: The winter coat. The key here is that you want a lot of insulation, make sure it has a decent amount of stuffing in all areas. Step 7: Scarves and hats. Scarves are often used as fashion accessories but more importantly they keep the face and neck warm as they were originally made to do. Hats of course help keep the head warm, a lot of body heat is lost through the head (at least that is what adults told me growing up). Step 8: Gloves/mittens. I never wear gloves, my hands are almost always cold due to a condition I have called Raynaud's Phenomenon**, all year round (it is a huge reason for my cold intolerance). Gloves seperate the fingers and actually cause them to get colder than they would be without the gloves, mittens are better for me but they are very clumsy, I usually ball my hands and keep them in my coat pockets. In normal individuals gloves or mittens can be highly beneficial.And there you have it, all you need to survive the winter and coming ice age. Keep warm!

~~~~~Copy Literal Dan Section~~~~~
*Here in the frozen tundra there is this phenomenon called "wind chill", this causes the perceived temperature to be lower than the actual temperature.
**Raynaud's causes the blood vessels to constrict, I have a pretty mild form but it is definitely not pleasant.


nonna said...

1st off you are oh so brave to be taking pics of yourself in a bathing suit. that is SO NOT happening around here. i dont even want pics of me fully clothed. i take back my invite to FWM if she thinks i'm gonna get naked with her :-)

2nd-this just plain funny, but i want to know how much time you are spending photoshopping FWM into all of those clothes

and finally-how in the heck does FWM still have a figure after all of those layers??!!

The Microblogologist said...

I doubt most would post a pic of their self in a bathing suit, lol. I normally never wear it without shorts but decided to not be neurotic and go for it since the shorts would have been a pain. I made all those clothes out of construction paper, glad they turned out to the point of being believed photoshopped =). FWM has been blessed and no matter how many layers she is still hot.

Weaselmomma said...

Dude, can I keep the duds? They look great on me! Besides, with the weather changes, I will need them on my visit to NukeDad. Thanks for keeping me warm. I am a total freeze baby. If this is Global warming, get me a can of aqua net!

@ Nonna, I like you a lot but (and don't take this the wrong way) I so don't want to get naked with you either.

nonna said...

whew...that's a relief. no offense taken or intended. you can still come down here and hang w/me & hubby then if you want :)

The Microblogologist said...

WeaselMomma: Yes you may keep the duds, though I am nervous about passing them on right away given that I was handling them and coughing in their direction. I'd like them to sit awhile to give time for any potential germs to die/get inactivated. FWM can be washed/sanitized but construction paper... I am planning on sending the templates I made along to help out future clothes makers, least I can do for being a total FWM hog ;).

Nonna/WeaselMomma: You two crack me up! Also I wonder what having nudity discussed will do to my google analytics reports...

McMommy said...

I am on the floor HYSTERICAL!!!!!!

This post was pure blogging GOLD! You are hilarious.

Thank you from the bottom of my warm Floridian heart for this go-to guide. Considering that I am sitting here bundled under a blanket because it is 65 degrees out this morning, I think I'm in for a world of hurt when we travel up north next month. Pray for me.

The Microblogologist said...

Glad you liked it McMommy! I hope it helps you survive, I think we will be holding a vigile for you. I also find 65 to be cold, not liking looking out the window and seeing snow here.

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