Once upon a time there was a very nice, but very sober and boring, Grandfatherly person who had a very sensitive and loving daughter who, noticing her beloved father's sad plight solved his problem: She bought him a MrBeer homebrewing kit. At first his miserable existence took a turn for the worse; he had to listen to vast quantities of bitching and nagging* about the house smelling like a brewery. Ignoring bitching females** is a character trait that must be developed for a man to stay sane. Others include the babble filter*** and the random noncommittal grunt communication technique****. In any event, although it seemed like an eternity, the brew was ready, but alas it was wimpy. It was far better than supermarket swill but wimpy. Also the wimpy MrBeer kit cost a lot more than supermarket swill.*****
A drinkable brew must have:
- Great taste tailored to the individual. If I like it it is good otherwise it sucks.
- Potency otherwise we can just drink Kool aid and enjoy pissing.
- Ease of production. I use liquid malt extract (LME) rather than barley for that reason.
- Low cost, about 1/3 the price of supermarket swill. Buy the LME in bulk.
I now consume about five gallons of my home brew per month which I am still striving to perfect, along with a little help from my good friend Richard. Richard had a handicap which developed over the years. His taste buds atrophied from drinking MGD****** for far too long. His mind was going too as he started believing the MGD commercials on TV. He condescended to try my brew just to prove me wrong. Then he realized what he likes the most about my brew: it was free!! Since then his taste buds have completely regenerated and his mind is coming back. At least he no longer sings along with MGD commercials (not that he could sing anyway)*******.
My loving daughter provided me with a sample of a new Industrial grade, genetically enhanced yeast (aka Super Yeast) tailored to quickly produce ethanol in copious supply and high concentration to replace gasoline. I brewed a 2 ½ gallon batch with it as a test. It fermented quickly (2 days vs 1 week). It looked a little darker than my earlier brew but no big deal.
I sampled the new stuff tonight (1 12 oz bottle). The bitterness of the hops was apparent as the sugar was totally consumed by the Super Yeast. One bottle bent my head about the same as a 16 oz bottle with normal brewers yeast. If I made a really nasty******** batch I would use the Super Yeast. If I used it for a normal batch I would have to add some non-fermentable sugar to sweeten it. It might make good Christmas gifts for some redneck relatives*********. Just imagine a 50 proof********** beer would do for your reputation. I really like the last batch and will continue with it with minor changes, if any. I am naming it Bill's Kickass Ale #1.
BILL'S KICKASS ALE #1
Add 2 Gal water to brewing kettle and heat to 160 deg F
Add ½ # of Wheat Malt to aid Head Retention
Steep at 160 deg F for ½ hour
Heat to boil;
Add 1 oz of Vanguard hops (alpha acid 4.4%)
Boil for 30 min;
Add 1 oz of Spalt hops (alpha acid 2.2%)
Boil for 15 min more;
Add 6.6# of Liquid malt extract
Add 1# Corn Sugar
Add Water for 5 Gallons total in fermentor
Aerate; Add Yeast when temp is under 70 deg F
After 1 week transfer to secondary.
After 1 week transfer back to primary fermentor.
Add ¾ cup of corn sugar and stir well. Bottle
After 2 or 3 weeks it is ready!!!!
Note: I prefer to use leaf hops but due to diminished hop availability
I had to use hop pellets. I can look at hops plugs and see what I
am getting but with pellets I could be using lawn clippings or
worse and never be sure.
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*My mother tends to be a bit vocal when she doesn't like something, and by bit I mean a lot, a whole lot, enough to get her way 99% of the time not only at home but everywhere.
**Mainly my mother but he also has three daughters and a granddaughter so is quite outnumbered and outgunned. He is not as chauvinistic as he sounds, it is part of his sense of humor, which can be quite warped.
***Babble Filter = Ignoring/tuning out people.
**** The random noncommittal grunt communication technique = pretend you are listening by making noises every once in awhile. Note that this is not always the most effective method, it works better if someone is ranting and raving but not seeking advice just venting, I totally know when he is doing it much of the time.
*****Supermarket swill = any store bought beer that was cheap enough for him to be willing to buy prior to him brewing his own beer and becoming a total beer snob.
******There has always been a "friendly" debate between Uncle Richard and Daddy over the worth of MGD. Daddy is convinced that MGD is just as good as the cheap crap he always bought (red dog and busch usually) while Richard has always maintained its superiority and that it is worth the extra money to buy it.
*******This is actually believable, and Richard can definitely sing, though maybe not so much after a bottle of home brew given the significantly higher percentage of ethanol.
********High ethanol concentration.
*********He totally means my cousins, his sister had three boys to my family's three girls. I don't think they are all that redneck but Daddy loves to say they are, perhaps because they live in the middle of nowhere Michigan.
**********Given enough sugar the Super Yeast will produce up to about a 50 proof beer, the batch he made used the amount of sugar that he uses for a normal batch of beer. The normal yeast will generally stop producing ethanol before they run out of sugar since they can only tolerate a certain percentage of ethanol, since it has a significanly higher tolerance the Super Yeast used up all the sugar and made a stronger beer but in this batch it is not likely at the 50 proof concentration. If I run into one of the engineers that work with it I think I will ask them how much sugar they use in their fermentation broth to max it out but not have too much left over.